Why This Website Looks Like It Was Built in 1999 (But Isn't)

by Anton Van Assche - 5 min read

So yeah, you've noticed. My website is basic. Like, so basic it could be wearing Uggs and ordering pumpkin spice lattes. Yes, it looks like your high school IT teacher built it on a rainy Sunday in 1999. And yes - it's on purpose.

...well, kind of.

(Funny sidenote: I wasn't even born yet.)

Honesty Hour

Could I build a modern, JavaScript-heavy, single-page-app that tracks your mouse movements, auto-plays video, and injects three different analytics scripts?

Maybe.

Probably not.

Okay, fine: no.

But here's the trick: I don't need to.

Let me explain.

Speed > Sparkles

This thing loads faster than your coffee machine can brew a cup. This site is so small, it could almost run on the original Nokia 3310. Okay, fine - maybe the 2017 reboot with Opera Mini. But definitely not your average bloated JavaScript hellscape.

Why? Because it's just HTML and CSS. No frameworks. No "optimized" webpack configs. No 50 npm dependencies for a dropdown menu with a bunch of vulnerabilities.

Small Is Sexy

This page is under 14kB. Fourteen. Kilobytes. That's smaller than most people's profile pictures. Hell, it's smaller than some emojis. Meanwhile, the average website out there is so obese it needs to be rolled onto the internet with a forklift.

Responsive Without the Buzzwords

Does it work on mobile? Yes. Does it work on your grandma's Windows XP box? Also yes. Does it need a 300-page Google developer doc explaining why? Nope. It just works. Because HTML and CSS have been doing that for decades.

Style-ish

Look, I'm not saying this is the sexiest website alive. But it has a vibe. Call it "minimalist", call it "retro", call it "my toaster could render this". It's clean, it's readable, and it's mine. Pretty darn GORGEOUS, if I say so myself.

No Bullshit

This site doesn't try to sell you an e-book. It doesn't pop up a cookie banner asking you to accept being tracked by 17 third-party ad networks. It doesn't autoplay a video of me pretending to be a thought leader.

It's just words, links, and some mild CSS.

Why This Matters

So yeah, that's why it looks like this. It's a good f*cking website. Inspired by motherfuckingwebsite.com, bettermotherfuckingwebsite.com, and thebestmotherfucking.website, it keeps things simple, fast, and, well... honest. No 30MB frameworks, no tracking scripts, no bullshit.

And if you don't like it... go refresh one of those modern pages that takes longer to load than boiling pasta. This site doesn't try to impress anyone. It just works, looks decent, and doesn't waste your bandwidth.

That's it. Minimal, stylish-ish, unapologetically fast, and it doesn't beg for your email. A really good f*cking website.

P.S. If you didn't catch it yet - this post is mostly satire. I promise I'm not actually throwing shade at your toaster.